Unbearably HoT

I’d like to thank everyone for the well-wishing about my engagement: the responses to “Bind On Pick Up” were a little bit overwhelming, especially for a blogger like me who doesn’t generally garner a lot of commentary. I was practically imploding with excitement, and since Lycentia and I actually met playing WoW, it wasn’t an entirely irrelevant digression—but don’t expect much more fluff from me. Besides, it offers a perfect excuse for irregular posting; who knew that planning a wedding was more difficult than sorting a raid?

But even organizing something low-key with a group of like-minded individuals can lead to tricky situations. As with most real-life predicaments, applying a certain measure of grace and respect goes a long way to avoiding or anticipating conflict. While many fellow-bloggers have offered exceptional advice on how to win at guild applications, interviews and everything forever, there’s been precious little about how to handle leaving.

My discussion assumes a few key points:

1. You’ve been in said-guild long enough that your fellow raiders will even care when you leave. For our purposes, we’ll work from the point-of-view of a mid-level progression guild where you’ve likely made some sort of bonds with the people you raid with; many of the world-class hardcore progression guilds out there will only be concerned with rapidly filling your absence with someone better.
2. You actually want to avoid burning bridges. Some people are into the big “Fuck you!” While that may be temporarily satisfying, think of it like quitting a job: do you want to leave a bad taste in your former employer’s mouth? Wouldn’t you rather have them grudgingly understand your perspective and offer (at the very least) lukewarm recommendations?

Step One: The Failed Romance

Something doesn’t feel quite right. Raid times or duration might be grating on your sleep schedule or perhaps you find yourself constantly clashing with different personalities in your raid group—or at home. Maybe your friends have slowly been cutting back on playtime and you’ve found yourself babysitting an entirely new crew of raiders. For whatever reason, the honeymoon is over and you’re not happy with your current situation.

Ascertain your dilemma. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I having fun?
2. Am I where I want to be in terms of progression?
3. Will my issues with the guild disappear in a month or so?
4. Do I enjoy the people I play with?
5. Is my current dissatisfaction based on elements beyond the scope of WoW? If so, will my attitude be improved greatly by leaving the game or cutting back on playtime?

Am I having fun? It’s a pretty basic question. You pay to play a game. I can’t imagine why you’re playing if you don’t like what you’re doing, so if your answer to this is resoundingly “no,” carry on and start making departure arrangements (you probably have no need to be concerned with what anyone thinks). If, on the other hand, you do enjoy raiding and some other factor is contributing to your unhappiness, keep reading. Progression requires work and sacrifice: dungeons won’t be handed to you on a silver platter, and that means you will wipe repeatedly in a very un-fun fashion to achieve your goals. However—

Am I where I want to be in terms of progression? Most raiders want to move into more difficult content. If you’re still farming T5 or early T6 dungeons, this may be a more pertinent question that it would be for raiders pushing Sunwell—there’s glittering new content out there waiting for you, and if you don’t envision your guild making it there before WotLK, it can certainly spur discontent. Make a list detailing why you want to move on so that you have discussion points, but before /gquitting, make absolutely certain that you know you’ll have a new home to move to, that you’ve done your research on said home, and that you have both the gear and the ability necessary to make the change. Failing to make insurance arrangements might leave you in limbo longer than you’d like, and your old guild won’t want to take you back.

Will my issues with the guild disappear in a month or so? A month isn’t a long time when you consider that you only need to wait a month to server transfer these days, and that sometimes your guild needs a month to recover from multiple vacations, personal problems, summer or winter breaks and progression ruts. If you can catch a glimpse of light at the end of the Deeprun Tram, you might want to stick around for an extra month beyond your first feelings of misgiving—and you’ll probably thank yourself for it later. If, however, you continue having fundamental issues about guild inconsistencies (such as DKP rules), personnel reshuffling or perennial (unpunished) mistakes, either vocalize your concerns with your officers or start searching elsewhere.

Do I enjoy the people I play with? If you’re ruthless enough to do absolutely anything to be The Best Raider Evar, then you probably don’t give a flying fuck about who you raid with—so long as they’re all doing their respective jobs well. I’ve been there. Even if you’re not, I think it’s an unreasonable expectation to assume you’ll like an entire corp of raiders—do you like hanging out with your family in its entirety? What about your spouse’s? That’s what I thought. While I wouldn’t advocate /ignoring or muting anyone for long periods of time, it can buy you temporary peace of mind and discourage stupid arguments. Real “personnel” problems tend to arise when you stop getting along with guild leadership or a series of new recruits, and unless you’re seriously interested in investing time in trying to build or repair relationships with everyone, you may be happier elsewhere.

Is my current dissatisfaction based on elements beyond the scope of WoW? If so, will my attitude be improved greatly by leaving the game or cutting back on playtime? Whether you’re still pushing through school (in which case I recommend focusing on academics entirely), working through a troubled marriage or forging a new one, dealing with health problems or taking care of any number of problems that can crop up in “real life,” all of those should take precedence over gaming. The sad fact of the matter is that, while the guild you joined nine months ago was perfect then, a new job or a baby or any other dramatic schedule change can change that instantly. It’s no one’s fault, and honestly, your guild should understand. In some situations, you might even be able to take a longterm hiatus or readjust your raid days, but this often leaves busy-bees out of the progression loop (which is what you wanted to do in the first place, right?). Real life comes first: if you later find you have ample time and money to pick up the game again, no one’s stopping you.

Ultimately, one or any combination of the above reasons might be spurring you to leave. What’s important is thinking about all of it before making a rash decision that you might regret later. Game or not, people form curious long-term bonds in the worlds of MMORPGs and hold grudges even longer.

Step Two: Trial Separation

If you’ve attempted discussing your concerns with fellow guildmates, officers, friends or family and still feel overworked and uncertain—relax. Take a break. Despite anything your guild might say otherwise, everyone is entitled to time off, especially if you’re one of the crazies who raids through migraines, the Flu, your parents’ anniversary or your cat mewling piteously at the door. “But I’ve had 99% guild attendance since the first day I joined 17 months ago!!!111” Good for you. Try to give your guild at least a week’s notice, maybe even make sure that you’re not an absolutely pivotal piece of the progression puzzle for a few nights, and turn off the game.

For some, this might mean leveling that unguilded alt no one knows about or actually taking advantage of the free-time (upwards of 17 hours a week, in some cases). Clean, do laundry, go shopping, sleep, study, fuck, whatever. You’ll either come back to the raiding scene refreshed and ready to go, or you’ll find yourself missing the time away from the computer.

Step Three: Divorce

Just like the real thing, leaving your guild requires a little bit of tact, paperwork, and tolerance—and it doesn’t always end smoothly.

Do’s!

1. Make a plan. Once you’ve finalized your decision to leave, decide when you’ll do so and who you’ll speak with. I’d advise against discussing your thoughts with half the guild before actually doing it, but you might want to let your closest friends know what’s up.
2. Choose the appropriate time. Don’t be that douchebag who leaves five minutes before raid and incites an entire dramafest when your guild is supposed to be working on M’uru. If you absolutely have to do it on a raid night, make sure you’re at least leaving a few hours prior.
3. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t try and air grievances or make long goodbyes in guild chat. Having your text cut off in the middle of some farewell tends to marginalize things, and you don’t want to have to start fielding questions right then and there. Try something like “It’s been a pleasure raiding with you folks, but I’ll be moving on. Please check out the forums and feel free to talk to me in game. Thank you.”
4. Explain yourself. In a polite, respectful fashion, post why you’re leaving on your guild’s forums, preferably in a members’ only area that the general public cannot view. Personally, I put a high price on honesty, and I think it’s best to be as frank as possible without stirring things up unnecessary trouble. Everyone has their own style, but a simple template could be something like this:
   • “I’ve enjoyed playing with everyone here in (insert guild name) for the past (length of time in guild). Recently, I’ve had some difficulties with (progression, DKP, personal life, another form of polite euphemism) and I’ve decided to (move on, take a break, stop playing WoW, etc.). I appreciate the friends I’ve made here and I invite you to stay in touch if you’d like.”
   • That’s incredibly basic, but you get the picture. If you’d like to be deliberately vague to dilute some of the issues you feel strongly about, go for it, but don’t lie. If you say you’re going to stop playing WoW, be honest—don’t ninja transfer to another realm the next day.
5. Expect the worst. While many guilds can be incredibly understanding, especially in regards to real-life issues or a desire to move upwards in progression (if you’re in a casual guild, for example), other guilds will see your departure as a betrayal, no matter why you’ve left. Leaving will show you exactly who your real friends were, and those are the people who will be there to support you. In many cases, you won’t have to deal with your former (and possibly irate) guildmates anymore, especially if you plan on server transferring, but if you’re staying on the same realm, it’s important to offer open and honest lines of communication.
6. Save everything. In the rare event that all of your attempts to be respectful to your former guild have failed and they seem bent on sabotaging your next home, make sure that you’ve saved copies of any forum posts (via screenshot), WWS Reports or messages to prove your point. I remember reading same-server applications where old guild leaders would jump in and disparage the applicant—which is pretty sad. Without any hard proof about someone’s honesty or abilities, it’s a case of he-said-she-said, and the prospective guild will often decide on the side of the other GL.

Don’ts!

1. Quit rashly. Make sure you’ve thought everything through.
2. Leave at an inappropriate time. I mentioned earlier that leaving at raid time creates headaches, but leaving during guild off-hours signifies cowardice.
3. Address specific individuals as problematic when crafting a “leaving” post. Being honest is one thing, but citing certain people as sources of frustration generates a lot of ill-will. Keep it clean.
4. Devolve into name-calling. When someone leaves a guild, many members decide it’s the appropriate time to air their own grievances or vilify your role as a raider/peer. This may be a result of misinformation (as to why you left) or a case of someone trying to prove they’re better—but regardless, take it all with a grain of salt and focus on yourself. Accused of leaving when the loot-train stopped? Think about whether they may or may not be correct: did you decide you wanted to leap ahead and go to another guild for easier progression? Maybe they’re not totally off base. Did you leave the guild to do other things and address real life? Maybe they’re just bitter and disappointed and don’t know a more accurate way to express themselves.
5. Take gear and leave. If you’re already having misgivings about leaving, consider passing. While everyone may be replaceable in a raid environment, certain pieces of gear may or may not ever drop again—and if you’re not going to be using it any time soon, don’t deprive someone else.
6. Badmouth the guild. Even if you left because the GL was a massive bigot and killed puppies, talking poorly about the guild or warning others away will only create added tension—and make you look like the bitter one.

Just take it one step at a time—this is a game, after all. Working to minimize confusion, miscommunications and poor decision making will ensure you smoother gameplay, respect and the continued companionship of your peers.